I’ve been asked a few times, what went through my mind when I got my diagnosis. That may seem like a simple question, but it is actually very hard to answer. It was like one big thought, broken up into many layers. What stayed up front and center, were the beautiful faces of my children. Behind that, the numbers; how old they would be when I died. Behind that, the events I would miss. And behind that, a memory of Taylor saying her bedtime prayers. I ask her what she is thankful for and one thing that made her happy that day. Her answer is always the same, “You Mommy!” This is the hardest layer to deal with. Taylor loves SO big. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve fussed that day, or if I wasn’t any fun. I’m still her number one. The thought of her grief was more than I could bear. When I got that news, and saw my life laid out before me with not much time left in it, the little things suddenly became the big things. The hard times suddenly became insignificant. Those times weren’t hard. This was hard.
So now, as I’m waiting on my upcoming scan, I find myself often reflecting. I don’t ever want to sink back into that hole I was living in. I don’t ever want to forget how valuable these precious little moments are and how absolutely blessed I am to be here. This scan is going to be a really big deal, and I'm already planning how I'm going to celebrate. This is going to be it, no more cancer. Could I be so blessed? Blessed enough that my journey with this disease would end so quickly? After all, it’s only been 4 months. Yes! I most certainly could be. Like I've said over and over in this blog, nothing is too big for my God!
These are some moments I won’t ever forget. I’m sharing them with you, because I want you to thank God every day for the little things in your life, because they are the big things.
First, the love my family and I have received from my community and, thanks to this blog, people all over the world. The fear in my daughter’s eyes as I explained to her why Mommy has been so sick. Then quickly telling her that this cancer won’t kill me, while silently begging God to let that be the truth. When my husband went with me to my first treatment, even though he had not been to sleep since working the night before. He was so jacked up on coffee, I couldn't dwell on the fact that this was the day I was starting chemo…because he would not be quiet, haha. Night after night of my Daddy sitting on the stairs when I would come out of the bathroom from being sick. He knew there was nothing he could do. He just wanted to be there for me. Both my parents peeking in on me when they thought I was sleeping, just checking to make sure I was ok. My husband refusing to go to sleep until I fell asleep, one awful morning when I was in so much pain. How excited my uncle was to walk into the house and see me sitting upright on the couch. Things started looking up at this point. How my Granny couldn't sleep unless she saw me that day. My brother going with me to treatment and then a blood transfusion immediately following. That was 6 hours of me sitting in a chair! The joy my parents showed while I ate that chick filet sandwich, the first meal I had eaten in weeks.
There are 100’s more, but you get the point. We are blessed! Even when things are bad, we are blessed.